Marriage Tips For Women

How do you help your husband become his loving sweet self again?  You did or said something that upset him and now he’s acting like you don’t even exist.  He no longer gives you any affection, he may purposely say or do things to try and upset you, and the family pet gets more attention from him than you do. You feel angry and resentful and you may be wondering what ever possessed you to marry this immature man. Here are some suggestions to consider.

First you want to ask God for His help and wisdom.  No situation is alike and everyone has a different personality.

You will want to apologize if you did something wrong.  If you confronted him about something, you might let him know you understand why he did it.

Most marriage counselors say to give him space and be patient.  As you give him time to get over it, do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself- exercise, clean something, spend time praying, call a friend, go shopping or bake a cake. This will help you keep a healthy perspective and get rid of any resentment you may be experiencing.

When you are around him, don’t try to make him talk or feel guilty for the way he is treating you. If he is tight-lipped, try giving him a compliment.  If he is resting quietly, don’t say anything.  If he starts talking, listen and give him your full attention.

One way to help him come out of his shell is to ask him to do something for you and then let him know you appreciate it. For example, you could ask him for a neck massage or a hug and tell him how good it makes you feel.

One woman said her situation turned around when she went to her husband with tear-filled eyes and said “It feels like you hate me and I don’t like feeling this way.”

Every situation is unique. You may be tempted to retaliate and give him a taste of his own medicine but this will only make the problem worse. Instead, look to God to show you how to best help your husband reconnect with you.

How To Confront Him Without Creating A Barrier

Have you ever confronted your husband about something or let him know you weren’t pleased with his actions only to have him become uncaring, aloof and defensive for several days. He shut down and was no longer his loving sweet self. Perhaps he quit being affectionate or become overly critical and channeled all his energy into ignoring you. In your mind, your words were justified. Why couldn’t he just admit you were right and get over it?

In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray discusses this phenomenon by saying that a man feels attacked when his wife finds issue with something he is doing. He senses her disapproval and finds it very painful. His reaction is to pull away from her emotionally as well as physically.

He goes on to say that the way to prevent a situation like this is buffer your complaint with an understanding attitude and let him know you see his good intentions in the matter. Reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13: 7 in the Amplified Bible version: Love believes the best of every person.

Some examples:

Bad: “Why didn’t you call when you knew you were going to be late?”

Good: “I understand that you were so busy that you forgot to call but next time please remember to call me when you work overtime.”

Bad: “If you would’ve been watching the kids like I asked you to, Johnny would not have fallen out of the tree.”

Good: “I know you were busy here in the house and it’s hard to always keep track of the kids but next time could you please keep a better eye on Johnny?”

If you want to confront your husband about an issue, buffer your complaint and keep the peace in your marriage by being understanding and letting him know that even though you don’t like what he did, you can see his good intentions in the matter.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

One of the issues confronting many marriages today is lack of leadership by the husband. Many husbands don’t know how to lead, some don’t understand that God has predestined them for this position, while others just won’t do it.

The husband’s failure to lead can cause many difficulties in the home. If your husband is avoiding the responsibility of leading your family, here are some ways to help him.

1. Encourage him in the little things.  When he makes a decision for the family, if you possibly can, act excited and say “That sounds great.”  It may be as simple as him saying, “We are going to see grandma today,” or “Let’s go for a walk after dinner.”

When it’s over, you might say something like, “That was a good idea, honey.  I had such a good time.  Thanks for planning it.”

2. Build up his self-confidence.  Take note of his accomplishments and compliment him.  Whether he’s fixed the faucet in the bathroom, taught your daughter to ride the bike or cooked some steaks on the grill, let him know you think he did a great job.

3. Respect him.  When he talks, look at him and listen. Don’t criticize his ideas or say things that demean him or disagree with him in front of other people.

4. Treat him as the leader in your home.  If you have strong feelings about a decision that needs to be made, let him know but allow him to have the final say.

5. Let him know you believe in him.  If he makes a decision that doesn’t pan out so well, have an understanding attitude and look for the positive in the situation.

You can help your husband become a confident leader.  Ask God to show you additional ways to support your husband in fulfilling his responsibility as a leader.  Pray for him and be patient, realizing this is a process and will not happen instantly.

Products to Help Your Marriage

Many women are asking, “Why won’t my husband lead? He just sits around, watches television and waits for me to make the decisions.” Many are facing this dilemma. Here are some thoughts on why husbands aren’t leading their families.

One reason is a lack of self-confidence.  He may be dealing with low self-esteem, or perhaps he ’s made poor decisions in the past causing him to lose confidence in his decision making abilities. Sometimes men give up their role as a leader because his wife has convinced him that she is better equipped to lead the family.

Others don’t lead their families because they did not have a good role model when they were  growing up.  Maybe they grew up without a father or perhaps they saw their mother make all the major decisions in the home.

In some cases the wife has manipulated the husband to do the things she wants him to do by nagging, criticizing, crying, or withholding sex.  He may eventually just give up and let her do whatever she wants.

Maybe he just does not want to.  I remember one situation where a newlywed husband asked the wife to lead and make decisions.  He felt like it was just too much responsibility.

Regardless of why he is not leading, in the eyes of God he is still the appointed leader in the home.  Help your marriage and your family by encouraging him in his calling and not doing anything to undermine his confidence.

The following article is based on a true story with a few changes to protect the anonymity of the individuals involved.  I found it to be quite thought provoking and thought you might enjoy it.

Sue had been feeling resentful towards her husband Jack.  The feelings of discontentment escalated every day.  It was not that her husband was a bad man, he just did not seem to appreciate her, he was not the spiritual leader she thought he should be and he was spending way too much time pursuing his hobbies and doing things with his friends.

One day as she was cleaning, she ran into some evidence that suggested, he was involved with another woman.  She confronted him, hoping he would have some plausible explanation.  But such was not the case.  Jack told her that yes, he was thinking about meeting with this other woman.

Her initial reaction was one of shock, disbelief and anger.  And in the midst of her tears she angrily told him what she thought of him.

Jack was all too willing to move out, telling her that he really was not happy in the marriage and told her that she deserved someone better.  She felt crushed.  She had been married for many years and never dreamed her husband would want to leave her.

Being a wise woman, Sue realized that she played a big part in his decision to leave.  She had been so focused on his shortcomings, she forgot that she had a few of her own.

She managed to control her tears and her emotions and then she apologized to Jack for her part in his discontentment.

She wrote in her journal, God, forgive me for taking my husband and my marriage for granted and for not being a good steward.  I know my husband wants to leave me but I refuse to let him go without a fight.

After praying for wisdom, she had her plan of action. Outwardly she told her husband that even though she did not want him to leave, if he did, she understood.  She did not try to make him feel guilty or allow herself to get pulled into self-pity.  Instead, she started studying her marriage books and applying what she learned.  She also started an exercise regimen to get her body in shape and stepped up her time with God.

Jack decided not leave but the incident totally changed Sue’s attitude towards her husband.  It caused her to get a picture of what her life would be like without Jack in it and gave her a new appreciation for him.  Sue’s advice to other married women, “If you start taking your marriage for granted, imagine what your life would be like without your man- it’ll give you a new perspective and inspire you to work on your marriage.”

Have you ever seen that your man was upset and assumed that he would feel better if he simply talked about it? You tried to get him to talk and he said, “I’m okay” or “It’s nothing.” If you persisted in asking him, he may actually have gotten quite upset, and said “I am fine. Would you just leave me alone!”

It’s easy for a wife to get the wrong idea about his unwillingness to talk.  She may think he’s in denial or feel that he doesn’t love or trust her anymore.

In order to make sense of his silence you need to know that while women usually feel better when they talk about the issues they are facing, men deal with stress, problems and unanswered questions by spending time alone and being quiet.

So if your spouse is feeling stressed or is dealing with a certain problem, don’t take it personally if he does not want to talk to you about it. Give him his space and when he is ready, he’ll talk to you about it.

In the article, Your Husband Needs an Attractive Spouse, I discussed an emotional need of most men to have an appealing spouse. This simply means doing the best you can with the body you have and feeling good about who you are as a person.

One simple way to look and feel more attractive is to practice good posture.  When you are practicing good posture, you will look slimmer and your clothes will fit better.

This point was driven home in my own life one day as my husband and I were walking around in the mall.  I asked him how he thought a certain dress would look on me.  He hesitated and then he said, “I don’t think it would look that great on you because of the way you are always slouching.” That statement motivated me to start working on my posture.

Good posture is fairly simple.  Start by standing and sitting up straight while keeping the stomach tucked in, shoulders back and relaxed, and the chin slightly lifted.

Besides making you look better, good posture can also decrease back and body pain and help improve your breathing which in turn will help your ability to concentrate.  Studies have also shown that practicing good posture can even improve your outlook on life.

Keeping your body in alignment requires a conscientious effort at first but eventually it will become second nature to you.  If you have a habit of slouching, change the way you feel and look by simply changing your posture.

When your husband is dealing with a specific problem, whether it’s fixing a leaky toilet or dealing with a situation at work, he wants you to trust him.

Have you ever made a suggestion to your spouse about how he should handle a specific problem only to have him accuse you of not trusting him or have you ever given him some unsolicited advice and had him say “Do you think you think I’m stupid or something?”

Ouch! You were only trying to be helpful and somehow your words were misconstrued as being  malicious, leaving you feeling defensive, hurt and bewildered.

You may feel loved and cared for when someone offers you suggestions on how to solve a problem. Your husband however, will not care too much for uncalled-for advice.  He may feel like you are trying to control him or that you don’t trust him to take care of the issue.

Questioning him or advising him to get the help of an expert are other ways to express your mistrust in his ability to handle the situation. Not believing in your husband will only serve to turn him off and decrease his self-confidence.

Learn to communicate with him in a way that lets him know you trust him to do the right thing.   You may be having severe doubts but take it to your bedroom in prayer.  Meditate on Proverbs 3:5 (Lord, I trust You to help my husband make the right decision in this situation.)  Keep the peace in your marriage by saving your words of wisdom (unless he asks for them) and trusting God to help your man.