Marriage Tips For Women

Today a guest writer discusses one of the keys to a long and happy marriage- the secret to  getting what you want from your husband without being bossy and demanding.   

Secret to Marriage Longevity
By H. Lena Jones

After thirty-five years of marriage, I feel highly qualified to share a few encouraging facts about the secret to marriage longevity. As I promised, they can be summarized into five (5) words. If, after reading this brief article, you have suggestions of your own, please feel free to let me know.

Once the first seven years of marriage have passedyou know, those years of adjustment when he establishes who wears the pants, and reminds you to be subservient, and you wonder what happened to all those “courting days” promises of peace, love, chocolates, and flowers well, that was yesterday! Now you now take control, but not in obvious ways!

When something needs repairing, don’t come right out and say so; just mention it in passing, during lunch or perhaps during dinner. Keep Jesus ever close, and wisdom He will grant. Patience will be your virtue, and prayer your best ally; for you see, in a day or two or even ten, hubby will say to you, “My dear, I think that thing needs fixing. I’ll get to it today.” The idea must be his!

You see, my friend, the key is always to remember that the idea must be his! Never feel offended, or say “I have a brain”. Of course you do, for we all know that behind every successful man is a brilliant woman YOU! And behind that brilliant woman is her precious Lord and Saviour — Jesus! He will never insult, leave, nor forsake you.

What most men fail to realize is “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing; And obtaineth favour of the Lord!” (Proverbs 18:22) In other words, they can’t live without us!

That’s it!  My secret to marriage longevity in a nutshell THE IDEA MUST BE HIS!  As Promised those are the five (5) words!

H. Lena Jones has a passion for all things spiritual. Her strict Anglican upbringing encouraged her deep commitment to Jesus Christ. This has grown over the years. Writing is a special gift. She hopes to encourage many to give their lives to Jesus. Her website is: http://www.dailysoulfoodforyou.com

Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com-CHRISTIAN WRITERS-MAKE A WEBSITE

Quite awhile back my husband made the remark, “I want to work as much overtime as I can so I can buy you the things you want.”

You probably won’t wonder why that brought tears to my eyes. I was not sad. I was overcome with gratitude at how much our marriage has changed from 20 years ago. There were times when we hated each other. Not pleasant at all.

I started contemplating about some of the ways I have changed.

One of the major changes I’ve made is to “do less for him and appreciate more what he does for” me. (From What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know by John Gray).

When our husbands know we genuinely appreciate them, it’s much more fun for them to do things for us.

Practical ways to do this:

When he speaks your love language (whether it’s a hug, a compliment or just letting you talk) you might say, “Thank-you for___________. It really makes me feel loved.”

When he offers to do something for you say, “That would be great, thank you so much.”

When he gives you something or does something you really appreciate let him see you get excited or (if you’re emotional like I am) cry tears of joy.

Actively look for and express gratitude for the things he does on a regular basis. Never take him for granted.

Women often think they have to do things for their husband to convey their love. If you have been caught in this trap, try doing less for him and appreciating more what he does for you.

Awhile back someone requested more information on what to do when your husband is not as spiritually developed as you are.  This list is not all inclusive but here are a few of my ideas:

Don’t nag him about his spiritual walk (going to church, reading his Bible, praying etc). It is not your job to try and convince him to change.

It’s okay to discuss spiritual matters, but don’t have the attitude that you are spiritually superior.  If your discussion leads into an argument, change the subject.

Do pray for laborers to be sent across his path-someone he’ll listen to who will inspire him to do the right thing.

Don’t try to impress him with how spiritual you are or try to prove to him that God speaks to you.  Instead be humble and be led by the Holy Spirit in your conversations with him.  Be quick to apologize when you make a mistake.

Don’t leave hints.  Some women try to help their man grow spiritually by buying books for him to read or leaving an open Bible where he is sure to see it.

Don’t put your church ahead of your marriage- in other words, don’t invest so much time in your church that you have nothing left for your husband.  And please, do not go home and tell your husband how spiritual and wonderful the pastor is.  This will only create resentment and jealousy.

When God speaks to you and tells you to do something, unless it’s a situation that involves your husband, be cautious about asking him what he thinks. If your husband is not spiritually minded-it may seem like foolishness to him and he will try to talk you out of it.

Work on meeting your husband’s most important needs.  In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley states that the top 5 needs of most husbands are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration.  After his needs are met, he’ll be much more interested in growing spiritually.

How do you deal with issues that come up in your marriage? Do you face problems head on or do you simply accept them as your lot in life and “take it lying down,” so to speak. Perhaps you are disappointed in your spouse or your sex life seems like a failure, or your in-laws are always in your business. Whatever the problem, you give in to hopelessness and self-pity with the attitude,  “There’s nothing I can do about it.  I’ve got to put up with it. Poor me!”

A variation of this is women who say, “I am believing God to turn my marriage around,” but in reality they have given up. The evidence that this is happening is that there is no joy and no expectancy in their lives. They are passively letting their problems get the best of them.

Some people pretend the problem doesn’t exist or refuse to acknowledge that it’s really a problem.  For example, “My husband is mean to me but it’s OK because that’s just the way he is.” or “The Bible tells me to walk in love so I will patiently endure.”  Some ignore others bad behavior because they secretly feel that they deserve to be treated that way.  Fear of confrontation or the hope that ignoring the problem will cause it to go away or simply just not knowing what to do about it are some of the reasons women do not confront issues.

Some lash out at their spouse. Most people who are skidding toward divorce have convinced themselves that their marriage partner is the problem. “It’s his fault. He is selfish, mean and lazy.  He has hurt me, but I’ll get even. I’ll make him pay for the way he’s treated me.  I’ll show him that he can’t do that to me!”

Last, but not least, you could be proactive and face the problem head-on.  Study it calmly and open-mindedly and ask God for wisdom as you uncover the underlying causes of your marital problems.  Take inventory of possible resources, and then deliberately and courageously work on the solution that’s best for everybody involved.

Some things are beyond your control. You can’t do much about  the kind of mother your husband has or the characteristics he’s inherited.  However you can change yourself. You can pray for your husband and your marriage, and change the way you act, talk and think. The courageous woman  accepts the unchangeable factors in the problem and sets about correcting the conditions which are within her control–especially her own habits and responses.

Evaluate yourself and think about how you deal with issues that come up in your marriage? Is it the best way? By doing this exercise you may discover that there is a better way to deal with your problems and it may be just what you need to start transforming your marriage.

Products to Help Your Marriage

Admiration is the fuel that energizes your husband. When you let your husband know you think he is fantastic, it inspires him to accomplish more. He will be motivated to learn new skills and achieve far more than he is currently doing.

Admiration helps him face life with a good attitude and makes him to feel compensated him for past accomplishments. When he feels that you truly appreciate what he’s done, it gives him more pleasure then he would receive from getting a paycheck.

Your praise must always be genuine. Make sure you are not harboring any resentments towards him. If you give him compliments that are not sincere, he may become resentful and feel like you are trying to manipulate him.

The simple act of admiring your husband will meet one of his most basic needs. It will inspire him to be his best and cause him to want to give you those things you most desire.

One of my friends brought this video to my attention and I thought it was too good not to share.

Click here to watch video Tale of Two Brains

If you are like me, this short video left you wanting more.  If you would like to own this DVD, you can find it here:  Dvd’s By Mark Gungor

How do you help your husband become his loving sweet self again?  You did or said something that upset him and now he’s acting like you don’t even exist.  He no longer gives you any affection, he may purposely say or do things to try and upset you, and the family pet gets more attention from him than you do. You feel angry and resentful and you may be wondering what ever possessed you to marry this immature man. Here are some suggestions to consider.

First you want to ask God for His help and wisdom.  No situation is alike and everyone has a different personality.

You will want to apologize if you did something wrong.  If you confronted him about something, you might let him know you understand why he did it.

Most marriage counselors say to give him space and be patient.  As you give him time to get over it, do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself- exercise, clean something, spend time praying, call a friend, go shopping or bake a cake. This will help you keep a healthy perspective and get rid of any resentment you may be experiencing.

When you are around him, don’t try to make him talk or feel guilty for the way he is treating you. If he is tight-lipped, try giving him a compliment.  If he is resting quietly, don’t say anything.  If he starts talking, listen and give him your full attention.

One way to help him come out of his shell is to ask him to do something for you and then let him know you appreciate it. For example, you could ask him for a neck massage or a hug and tell him how good it makes you feel.

One woman said her situation turned around when she went to her husband with tear-filled eyes and said “It feels like you hate me and I don’t like feeling this way.”

Every situation is unique. You may be tempted to retaliate and give him a taste of his own medicine but this will only make the problem worse. Instead, look to God to show you how to best help your husband reconnect with you.

How To Confront Him Without Creating A Barrier

Have you ever confronted your husband about something or let him know you weren’t pleased with his actions only to have him become uncaring, aloof and defensive for several days. He shut down and was no longer his loving sweet self. Perhaps he quit being affectionate or become overly critical and channeled all his energy into ignoring you. In your mind, your words were justified. Why couldn’t he just admit you were right and get over it?

In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray discusses this phenomenon by saying that a man feels attacked when his wife finds issue with something he is doing. He senses her disapproval and finds it very painful. His reaction is to pull away from her emotionally as well as physically.

He goes on to say that the way to prevent a situation like this is buffer your complaint with an understanding attitude and let him know you see his good intentions in the matter. Reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13: 7 in the Amplified Bible version: Love believes the best of every person.

Some examples:

Bad: “Why didn’t you call when you knew you were going to be late?”

Good: “I understand that you were so busy that you forgot to call but next time please remember to call me when you work overtime.”

Bad: “If you would’ve been watching the kids like I asked you to, Johnny would not have fallen out of the tree.”

Good: “I know you were busy here in the house and it’s hard to always keep track of the kids but next time could you please keep a better eye on Johnny?”

If you want to confront your husband about an issue, buffer your complaint and keep the peace in your marriage by being understanding and letting him know that even though you don’t like what he did, you can see his good intentions in the matter.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus